CANOE RESTAURANT

While waiting in the elevator to ascend to the restaurant on the 54th floor of the Toronto Dominion Building, I fell into a trance like state. It was like a scene out of “Last of the Mohicans”, naked natives grabbing us immediately upon the elevator doors opening, then proceeding to scalp and hog tie our sexy bodies to logs before carrying us over to the bonfire where their tribal chiefs Mr. Bonacini & Mr. Oliver themselves were patiently waiting to feast upon our brains like dirty Hannibal Lectors or young Sasha Greys…

The hostess was as graceful as a Tinkerbell type fairy ballerina as she led us to our table and surprisingly friendly despite having addressed her as Pocahontas at every possible opportunity. For PG-13 purposes I’m just going to say that Pocahontas left us at that and paddled herself back to her reception tent for the rest of the evening...

I'm saying this as I was just informed by another fork that I have to tone down my reviews as “the sexual content is TOO overbearing”. He also said the following things over a blackberry BBM conference discussion “You cross the line. People won’t find it humorous, just stupid”, “The root of this idea was to educate people of where to eat well. Not a lesson of your sexual experiences.” “80 percent of your content is sexual crapola and 20 percent is food” “you wanted this to be classy. And it’s not classy; it’s out of hand and out of line”, "It doesn't need personal photos of 1 fork and another forks gf “, "You posted at 12:52am, there's no way you got 89 hits in 8 minutes"… So the question is, should I start writing cookie cutter, simple, bland & boring reviews and really respect “Pig Pukes” demands??... LOL I think not!

Back to Pocahontas, she asked us if we had a hotel room close by for post dinner celebrations.. She looked almost as filthy as my ex penny whore pig did when she went horseback riding on my pony.. she'd look like a slap happy leprechaun with a massive facial twitch… (Ke$ha).

The service is absolutely stellar and much better then ‘angry pirating’ any foreign exchange student. I ordered two appetizers and my guest only ordered one, so the waiter who I coined “Dances with Wolves” gave us a complementary appetizer as to not make the other feel left out.'Dances with Wolves' also noticed a drink I wasn't enjoying and took it right off the cheque without ever having mentioned it to him! True five star General treatment.

The food itself is gorgeous. The tea smoked la ferme duck breast was so succulent that I actually felt just like a 4 month old toddler (my current age) suckling away happily,carelessly on firm teets. The coddled campfire egg appetizer explodes in your mouth like a machine induced orgasm and the Maple cured B.C. salmon was equally stunningly orgasmic. For our happy ending they finished us off with the warm sticky date pudding (LOL) & the firewood honey butter tarts which were all so incredibly delicious!

Atmosphere is penthouse upscale elegance. The place is packed with professionals, businessmen, stock brokers, financiers and other Clint Eastwood style shooters. Canoe sports breathtaking views overlooking the city. It has the romanticism worthy of any occasion whether it be dinner with the wife, mistress, first date or one night stand with prostitute (e.g. my ex hog). Canoe also brings back nostalgic memories of my first oral adventures when I was but a tween. I used to take out the village bicycle to the movies. When we got to the mall she would drag me into the handicapped washrooms, there we would drop our coats on the floor, I'd then be instructed to lie down and she’d get to work on my emo sensitive spots like a straight Rosie O'Donnell on a drawn out hunger strike. To this day just thinking about it makes me blush and giggle like a little Japanese schoolgirl. G-d do I miss the good ol days…

CRITIQUE

Ambiance/Dining Experience


Skippy: 8.5


Service


Skippy: 10


Appetizers


Skippy: 8


Entrees


Skippy: 9


'Bang for Your Buck' (Portion to Dollar Value Ratio)


Skippy: 8


OVERALL: 9/10


66 Wellington Street West,
Toronto, ON M5K 1H6
416) 364-0054 Website: www.oliverbonacini.com/Canoe.aspx

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